A Closer Look at the Relationship Mirror
by Angelique Devost
“Once we begin to question our thoughts, our partners—alive, dead, or divorced—are our greatest teachers. There’s no mistake about the person you’re with; he or she is the perfect teacher for you, whether or not the relationship works out…” from Question Your Thinking, Change the World by Byron Katie, author of “The Work”
I learned that the above statement is true 15 years ago when I was going through my first divorce. Since that time, I have learned so much about myself from the relationships I have been in, transforming my beliefs about myself and about men as well.
What is fascinating to me about my current relationship is that it is the first time I have been able to observe where I am coming from in a given situation and make adjustments in real time. In other words, in past relationships I learned in retrospect. I would reflect back on what did and didn’t work (mostly what didn’t) and observe the thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that created that relationship dynamic. I would then work to shift those beliefs from negative to positive and create something new—usually with a different mate.
Now, I am making the adjustments in my current relationship as soon as I notice what I am doing. It’s to the point where I am able to continually observe how profoundly my relationship mirrors back to me what I am thinking and feeling, even my own way of being.
Just last night I had a conversation with my male friend after which I was feeling frustrated and unheard. I judged him as being closed minded, and could think of a number of prior conversations with him that supported my negative belief.
I sat comfortably in my self-righteousness for several hours until I was ready to take a closer look in the relationship mirror, turning my judgment around from “he is closed minded” to “I am closed minded.” Well wouldn’t you know that I could immediately come up with several instances when I had been closed minded! It was disconcerting how quickly the evidence presented itself!
This discovery caused my annoyance with my friend to dissipate immediately. How could I be upset with him for something I do myself? Now I am free to have a calm, objective conversation with him about the last time we spoke without putting him on the defensive.
Next time you find yourself getting upset with your partner, stop and take a really close look. What is your relationship mirror reflecting back to you about your attitudes and beliefs? It takes courage to do this, but I promise you that you will feel better about yourself and your relationship!