For the Love of Self!

February, 2010

by Angelique Devost

Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching. Don’tcha love it? Or actually, do you kinda hate it?

If you are among the happy couples looking forward to a romantic day or evening, this is an exciting time of year. It’s an opportunity to reconnect with what you really love and appreciate about each other, and to rekindle that passion.

If you are in a not-so-happy couple, or not in a relationship at all, this can be a challenging time. Valentine’s Day has a way of bringing to the forefront all that your relationship isn’t, making it impossible to ignore.

Romantic love is the story of how you need another person to complete you. It’s an absolutely insane story. My experience is that I don’t need anyone to complete me. As soon as I realize that, everyone completes me. ~Byron Katie

Most of us have been raised to seek love outside of ourselves, causing us to feel incomplete when we are not in a satisfying relationship. And when we do find ourselves in a relationship, we expect it to make things right for us forever. This expectation sets the stage for inevitable disillusionment.

Whether or not you are in a relationship, and happy or not, here’s something to ponder… Our relationships reflect back to us how we feel toward ourselves.

So if you’re feeling incomplete within yourself because you don’t have a partner, or because your relationship if far from fulfilling, ask yourself, “Am I giving myself the very things I feel I am lacking?” How good are you at taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally?

Since we are programmed to look to others for the love we need, let’s begin by getting clear on what you want the relationship with your beloved to be like. The following questions apply whether you currently have a mate or not:

What would your desired relationship look and feel like?
How would you be feeling emotionally in this beautiful relationship?
What are the thoughts you would be having about yourself?
What types of activities would you be doing and how would you feel as you do them?
How would you be feeling about your life in general if you had the love relationship of your dreams?
How would it affect your interactions will all people?

I invite you to write down your answers and really immerse yourself emotionally in this experience. What are you feeling now? Perhaps you are feeling whole, joyful, loved, appreciated, happy, excited, connected, fulfilled…

Now write down ten simple things you can do for yourself that will bring you toward this relationship WITH YOURSELF. If it does not exist within you, it cannot be reflected back to you by anyone else in your life, not your current mate nor a future partner.

Your list might include:

When I look in the mirror each morning I say something really nice to myself.
I call myself “sweetie,” especially when I’ve messed up. (I actually do this and it works great!)
I take the time to dress myself in a way that makes me feel good.
I take care of my amazing body. (maybe give it some yummy dark chocolate :)
I choose the company of cheerful people.
I treat myself in small ways, such as buying myself a rose when I go to the supermarket, or doing something nice for myself for Valentine’s Day.
I offer myself patience and forgiveness needed. (OK, some of these may not be so simple, but remember you need to offer yourself what you want from your beloved.)
I read something inspirational each day, preferably first thing in the morning.
I have a daily spiritual practice that helps me reconnect with my source, whether you call it God, Spirit, the Universe, the Great Mystery, etc. (I have found this to be the most critical)

You get the idea. Do as many of these things as you can every day.

Try not to focus on what is lacking in your relationship with your spouse or mate, or on the fact that you are not in relationship. Focus for 30 days on just loving YOU. Don’t be afraid to “fake it until you make it.” 30 days may seem like a long time, but if you’ve gone this long without a relationship or in one that is not fulfilling, what have you got to lose?

After a while, you will notice that your feelings toward yourself will begin to change. You will feel more cheerful about your life in general, and all of your relationships will improve because people will respond to you differently.

The changes you are making on the inside will be reflected back to you by the people around you. This is what Byron Katie means by “everyone completes me” because you are already doing it for yourself and others serve only as your mirror.

If you are struggling with this, we can help! Contact us for a free consultation.