Creating a new relationship without changing mates
February 2009
by Angelique Devost
Do you believe that relationships are hard? Do you think that it is impossible for men and women to not only live peacefully together, but to create deep and lasting intimacy and loving friendship?
When I speak with clients and close friends about their intimate relationships, I hear a lot of frustration and sighs of resignation. Why is it so difficult to create and maintain a loving, fulfilling relationship?
I believe that a major culprit is expectation. We sabotage our chance at happiness by placing unrealistic expectations on those we claim to love. Many of us grew up believing the fallacy that we will grow up, fall in love, and this person will make us whole, fulfilling our every need until the day one of us parts this earth (or some variation on this theme). Sound familiar?
One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Wayne Dyer, "Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be who they choose for themselves without any insistence that they please you."
I do not mean to imply that it is unhealthy or unnatural to have needs. Each of us must determine what we want and need from our primary love relationship. However, in the context of a "normal" relationship (one free of abuse), when we tend to our own emotional needs, we are much more available to be present with, and accepting of, our mate.
Reflect on what you expect from your beloved on any given day. Do you expect them to look or act a certain way? Do you transfer onto them attributes from some romantic love story you read or saw in the movies? Or do you limit your experience of this person with your negative expectations - he never brings me flowers, or picks up after himself, or she is too demanding or insensitive to my needs, etc.?
What if, for just one day, you suspended all expectation? It's not easy to do because we are so preprogrammed to the contrary. However, in so doing we become open to amazing possibilities. Open your heart and your mind and try for one day to face your mate without labels or preconditions. Allow yourself to experience the true essence of this person. It's amazing how differently people respond to us when we stop judging them. Embrace the miracle of the present moment and allow it to be perfect.